It\’s Just a Wiggly Way of Looking At It

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Sirens November 15, 2008

Filed under: Rambling — wigglylisa @ 9:26 am

It’s sometime after midnight. I hear the siren coming. It’s on the main road and I think to myself, “please don’t turn onto my street”.  “Please don’t turn onto my street”.  I hold my breath. Damn it, it turned, it’s passing my building now.  I jump out of bed, throw my sweats on and go outside to see where the fire truck went.

I have always been afraid of sirens.  For as long as I can remember.  I was always convinced that someone I knew was in trouble. And for the longest time I couldn’t figure out why.  I was in my early twenties talking to my mom about it when she told me a story about something that had happened when I was little.  My mom, brother and I were out one afternoon.  I’m not sure how old I was, probably somewhere between 4 and 6.  We pulled up to the house as a fire truck was pulling up to our house.  Apparently my dad had been drinking by the pool and passed out and none of his friends could wake him up so they called 911.  He was fine and spent many more afternoons drinking.  Anyway, even though I don’t remember this happening, maybe I internalized the sound of the siren.  It’s a good theory anyway.

But have I always jumped out of bed when a fire truck goes by my house? No… of course not.  But in July of this year, as I was leaving for work, a fire truck and ambulance went tearing down the street. My uncle lives a block and a half away so I just took a quick peak down the street.  The fire truck did stop down by his place, but it didn’t look like it was right out front of his place.  I knew that if it had been for him that his partner or someone else would have called me.  So I took a deep breath, calmed down and went to work.

Four hours later I got a call from my mom.  Yes, the fire truck and ambulance HAD been for my uncle, but his partner hadn’t bothered to call anyone for hours.  She hadn’t even bothered to go to the hospital with him. And then she called my Aunt up in Idaho. What the hell? I was livid. So, long story short, I got up to the hospital, found out what was going on and took care of things.  He is ok now.  He had gotten dizzy and had fallen down.  They weren’t sure at first what had happened, they thought maybe stroke, but as it turned out he had started taking some new medication and it was reacting badly with a different medication he was taking.

But my uncle is old. And he’s not walking so well.  His memory is starting to go a bit and I worry about him.  And every time I hear those sirens I think, “please don’t let it be him”. It’s really starting to fray my nerves.  So instead of sleeping, I am sitting here writing in my blog, hoping that it will help me to calm down enough to go back to sleep.

It was bad enough when the sound of the sirens made me feel anxious.  But now I have a real reason to worry when they turn down my street.

So, people of my small town, please don’t have any more emergencies tonight.  I need to sleep.

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Choices August 22, 2008

Filed under: Rambling — wigglylisa @ 3:44 am
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Most of the time I do my “writing” late at night in bed.  The thing is, I don’t usually write it down.  🙂 It’s mostly just in my head.  By the time I wake up, it’s just an impression and the actual words are gone.  I do some of my best writing that way. Needless to say, that’s why I don’t write as much as I would like in my blog.  But, a couple of weeks ago I had words swirling in my head and I needed to write them down.  So I actually got a pen and paper and wrote.  Not anything long or super profound, but it meant something to me in the moment.  But I wasn’t ready to share the words… I needed to hold them close to me for awhile and just feel them.  I guess I’m ready to share them now.  This is what came to me on a night I was feeling a little lost and alone.

CHOICES

I chose to make you a priority…
but I was somewhere down on your list

I chose to let you in and see straight to my soul…
but you’ve kept me at arms length

I chose to be there for you when your world got crazy…
but I didn’t get the same in return

I have no doubt that I love you

I have no doubt that you love me too

But our love together has been sorely tested

The things we have said to each other lately – I’m not proud of a lot of my contributions

I don’t know where to go from here.  I need more than “I love you” to keep holding on.

 

Slap Slap June 16, 2008

Filed under: Rambling — wigglylisa @ 7:36 pm

Is no one gonna tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself and get on with it? Ughhhhh! Read my last post and rolled my eyes at myself! Needless to say, I was having a “poor me” moment.

Truth be told… I have the best friends any woman could ever ask for.  Yeah, my family is going through some “stuff” right now and things have been crazy… My man has a lot going on his life right now too and can’t always give me 100% of his time and attention, but I really do have wonderful friends that make me feel special all of the time! My online friends, my RL friends and even my online friends that are now RL friends… I am a lucky girl.

And I still can’t believe that none of these awesome friends didn’t *smack* me upside the head. Sheeeeeshhhh…

 

What Do You Want For Your Birthday? June 15, 2008

Filed under: Rambling — wigglylisa @ 12:04 am
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My birthday is a week away and everyone keeps asking me, “What do you want for your birthday?”. The thing is… I don’t really want any “thing” for my birthday. How do you tell people all you want is to feel special, to feel like number one without having to ask for it? I want to feel like I’m worth the effort… as a Mom, as a Sister, as a Daughter, as a Friend and as a Girlfriend. Even as I read that I know it sounds so very selfish and self centered. I want to be the most important… at least for a day.

The thing is… I used to make people make me special on my birthday. I didn’t give them a choice! (laughing at myself here!). June 1st would roll around and I’d start proclaiming Lisa’s Birthday month has begun! I would leave no doubt in people’s minds that it was my time of the year and I needed them to celebrate it. But then I hit my 30s and I was a mom and I started to feel like I was pushing too hard. It didn’t feel quite as special when you were telling people they had to celebrate your birthday. So, for the last…. hmmmm… more years than I’d like it to have been since I turned 30…. I have been playing it more low key.

As I sit here feeling sorry for myself, I think back over the last few years and realize that my kid has definitely caught the birthday bug and she tries to make it special for me. And it’s so sweet and makes me smile. So I get to feel special as a Mom. Last year she organized a “surprise” dinner for me. It was very cute.

And this year, for the first time since I was pregnant with my kid (she’s gonna be 12 this year!), I have a someone special in my life. And of course a week out from my birthday things are rough between us. I’m not sure he’ll even remember my birthday. Much less have the ability or desire to make me the most special thing in the world. I guess we just wait and see on that one.

My birthday is on a Saturday this year. You wait and wait and wait for your birthday (for those of us who actually like birthdays… I know some of you could care less about your birthday) to fall on a Saturday. What a great day to celebrate and have a good time. Know what I have planned? Nothing. Wait… that’s not true. I am going to be spending the day doing laundry and getting my kid ready to go to her grandma’s the next morning. I will have a nice dinner out with my girl though. Our last night out before she is gone for a few weeks.

What do I want for my birthday?
Get over myself
Be happy for what I have
Maybe I’m just PMSing or something this year!

 

Goodbyes May 1, 2008

Filed under: Goodbye,Rambling — wigglylisa @ 5:25 am

I’ve never been good at saying good bye. Even when I was a kid… I remember going to visit my cousins and when it was time to go home, I would bawl my eyes out when it was time to say goodbye. And now, even a phone call or an IM session… I hate endings.

What is it with goodbye that is so hard for me? I think when I am in a moment, I don’t want to let it go. When I feel connected to someone I am at my happiest. Even a small connection. I am a very emotional person and I wonder if maybe I attach too much emotion to goodbyes.

Imagine a girl (ok, so I’m past my girlhood here, that’s besides the point! :p) who sometimes almost cries when hanging up the phone with a friend. See the mom who gets teary saying goodnight to her baby goose when she spends the night away from home. Can you see the woman who is hugging her friend goodbye at the airport? Just thinking of these goodbyes makes me cry.

Tell me, how is this girl suppose to handle the big goodbyes? I can’t even type about the biggest goodbye of my life… when I had to say goodbye to my Dad. I had to do that one after he was already gone and well… I don’t want to go into that one.

And what about the emotional goodbyes? The end of a relationship? How do people say goodbye and then just go on as if nothing happened? How do people say “I love you”, but I need to leave you? How do you say goodbye? Why don’t you fight? I want to be able to say goodbye and just move on. I don’t want to feel paralyzed.

I’m not sure where this post was supposed to go. I just have goodbyes on the brain, I guess. Last night I got one of the hardest goodbyes I’ve ever gotten. Never mind that the goodbye alone really hurt, but it was so full of anger and malice. I’m not sure how to make my heart say goodbye on that one.

Even when I write, I don’t like to say goodbye…. So, maybe this time, I’ll just say, “see you next time”.